Filed under: Life
i wanna write something.. anything.. i really do, but i dunno.. i guess it’s just sad that i have to write something because i have to.. not because i want to.. and that, my friend, is sadder than when i was stuck writing day and day out, in my version of an underground spider hole ..
a lot has change since that spider hole.. i have a brigher hole now.. and sometimes, i get to work in a another hole altogether.. and i get to play songs, i played mika’s grace kelly everytime it’s my shift and i sing a long, i could be brown, i could be blue, i could be vi-o-let skyy.. and i get to ramble.. took me about a month to gain enough confidence to ramble on my own, with no completely structured script.. oh, the script’s there, of course, it’s just that, now, i am a little bit freer with what i say.. [no more hanger sticking out of my shirt or anything..]
this person is actually happy.. i was sad to admit that i was on the verge of another bout of depression not too long back.. was sad because i kinda liked the people there, but i dunno.. work is okay, but when the bad days outnumbered the good ones.. then your energy starts to sap away.. but hey, that’s okay, innit? i mean, that’s just a stumble.. a tiny pebble i happen to trip over [yet luckily not falling flat on my face..] and i move on.. i always move on..
it’s a few more days to raya.. and i’ve noticed something.. i realised that raya makes me one of those people who don’t know what they’ve got til it’s gone.. a few years back, we raya’ed without abg ikram and his family.. sob, sob.. although, the boys are home now, and make one heck of a noise, so i get to raya with them this year.. but, munirah is not here pulak.. sob, sob.. another year [and a few more after that] of raya tak cukup korum.. kesian kak ngah..
i maybe a bit lost about a few years back.. when i went through my phase of i-am-invincible-cos-i-can-take-care-of-myself.. i didn’t get it when i was supposed to, i.e., somewhere in the muddled mid-teens years [or maybe i had it then, i was just in denial].. but now, to borrow from amazing grace, i am found.. i am found in the most natural place to be found.. i am found at home [sad case of lost and found, i must have been dropped on the head when i was a kid].. i may have gotten myself into a LOT of mess back then, but now, now life is back on track.. all i have to do is to work hard to make sure it stays on track, insyaAllah..
so, people, if you are reading this, treat this as my raya carol.. a haunting or ghosts of my raya past, raya present as well my raya future.. life with its LOTS of ups and downs, highs and lows, loves and hates, and most importantly, life with its LOTS of HOPE..
selamat hari raya.. maaf zahir dan batin.. and to that one person in oireland, take good care.. and know at least one of us is thinking about you, praying hard for you and missing you [and know that that one of us is comprised a LOT OF ONE OF US'ES, so you're in great hands, kiddo.. you'll be in Allah's hand, insyaAllah..]
