The Noteworthies

the story begins at 9am in the morning, when a ‘considerate’ relative called up my mother and asked whether or not ‘makcik’ [i.e, my mother] going to be at home. my mother said yes, and she prepared all the stuff for the coming guest, at around 9am.. you know what time they showed up? 4 something friggin PM..

in case you’re wondering, who the heck this relative is, she is just one of my father’s many niece [i lost count]. she is younger than my mother [well, duh!] and significantly lower in the family food-chain of putting that much importance on her coming.

bloody hell, what the fcuk is that? who the fcuk does that? [well, uh, apparently, one of my kin lah] you just don’t do that. at least have the sense to say, "kami bukan nak datang sekarang, just checking makcik ke mana2 tak.. mungkin petang kami datang.." considerate sangat lah tu kononnya telefon mak aku pagi2 buta kata nak datang beraya!

nak datang raya, datang aje lah. ko datang jauh2 pun, too bad lah if we’re not around. nak cakap macam mana? takkanlah kitorang nak duduk depan pintu menungga-nangga orang datang? have we no life? you’re the only one yang pandai beraya?

sedarlah, when you make that call, when you say you’re gonna show up, people expect you to show up. and in the spirit of the season, we actually want to celebrate you showing up. but when you pull shit like this, then macam mana? are we supposed to just senyum and buat bodoh ke? sorry, you are the bodoh one, not us.

and for cryin out loud, people, tell your friggin kids not to treat other people’s home like their own. "owh, anak i memang macam ni, suka ambik2 barang.. suka larik2.." i feel like slapping the damned kid and say "owh, i memang macam ni dengan budak2 tak makan saman, i sepak2kan aje.."

and oh yeah, selamat hari raya.

i wanna write something.. anything.. i really do, but i dunno.. i guess it’s just sad that i have to write something because i have to.. not because i want to.. and that, my friend, is sadder than when i was stuck writing day and day out, in my version of an underground spider hole ..

a lot has change since that spider hole.. i have a brigher hole now.. and sometimes, i get to work in a another hole altogether.. and i get to play songs, i played mika’s grace kelly everytime it’s my shift and i sing a long, i could be brown, i could be blue, i could be vi-o-let skyy.. and i get to ramble.. took me about a month to gain enough confidence to ramble on my own, with no completely structured script.. oh, the script’s there, of course, it’s just that, now, i am a little bit freer with what i say.. [no more hanger sticking out of my shirt or anything..]

this person is actually happy.. i was sad to admit that i was on the verge of another bout of depression not too long back.. was sad because i kinda liked the people there, but i dunno.. work is okay, but when the bad days outnumbered the good ones.. then your energy starts to sap away.. but hey, that’s okay, innit? i mean, that’s just a stumble.. a tiny pebble i happen to trip over [yet luckily not falling flat on my face..] and i move on.. i always move on..

it’s a few more days to raya.. and i’ve noticed something.. i realised that raya makes me one of those people who don’t know what they’ve got til it’s gone.. a few years back, we raya’ed without abg ikram and his family.. sob, sob.. although, the boys are home now, and make one heck of a noise, so i get to raya with them this year.. but, munirah is not here pulak.. sob, sob.. another year [and a few more after that] of raya tak cukup korum.. kesian kak ngah..

i maybe a bit lost about a few years back.. when i went through my phase of i-am-invincible-cos-i-can-take-care-of-myself.. i didn’t get it when i was supposed to, i.e., somewhere in the muddled mid-teens years [or maybe i had it then, i was just in denial].. but now, to borrow from amazing grace, i am found.. i am found in the most natural place to be found.. i am found at home [sad case of lost and found, i must have been dropped on the head when i was a kid].. i may have gotten myself into a LOT of mess back then, but now, now life is back on track.. all i have to do is to work hard to make sure it stays on track, insyaAllah..

so, people, if you are reading this, treat this as my raya carol.. a haunting or ghosts of my raya past, raya present as well my raya future.. life with its LOTS of ups and downs, highs and lows, loves and hates, and most importantly, life with its LOTS of HOPE..

selamat hari raya.. maaf zahir dan batin.. and to that one person in oireland, take good care.. and know at least one of us is thinking about you, praying hard for you and missing you [and know that that one of us is comprised a LOT OF ONE OF US'ES, so you're in great hands, kiddo.. you'll be in Allah's hand, insyaAllah..]