The Noteworthies

I don’t write all that much. For someone who says she’s in love with writing, I am the poster child walking advertisement a world class procastinator.

So let’s update one another, shall we? I am still with OUM, with iRadio OUM to be exact. Go visit once in a while and listen in, why don’t you? Cukup-cukup lah dengar Era, Hot FM tu, sekali-sekali carik la outlet yang membina kepala otak korang tu ha.

And of course, my update will not be complete without an update about Umar. He can ngesot now. Can angkat bontot, but still cannot merangkak. Can recognize people, cries at the sight of Mama, Papa, Atuk or Nenek leaving (actually, cries at the sight of any adult in the room capable of dukunging him leaving). Loves to babble and spraying his spit all over people (MANNERS, YOUNG MAN, MANNERS!!!). Loves to tarik rambut people. Sleeps like an angle (WOOHOO!!!! HUGE PLUS, ok?)

Okie dokes, got a segment at 12, it’s 11.30is now. Gotta go.

Be nice now people.

In case some of you missed the Al-Jazeera broadcast (okay, a wee exaggeration on my part), I am now a proud mommy to Umar Zaafarani Tajulhairu, born at 8.12pm, 21st February 2008 weighing 3.4kg, measuring 52cm long. He is so far very vocal (I think it has something to do with being born so close to the 12th Election and all) and so far, he’s been a joy to be around with. Yes, yes, the nights are pretty sleepless, but it’s okay, I used to get by with little sleep to begin with.

Okay, so how was the experience? One friend asked, "Sakit ke?" My response? "Next question." Don’t get into the mommy business if you’re not into pain, ya girls? Heheh. Okaylah, sakit lah, what do you expect? The bigger question is, would I do it again? Hell yeah. It makes me appreciate my mak even more.

Okay, no philosophical-my-views-on-life-has-changed post and all. I hate that. It has changed, I just hate talking about it. Not hate the change, hate that I have to explain myself, when things are so crystal clear on my side. 

Alrighty then people, thank you for the well wishes. And thank you for the gifts and all. Thank you Allah for Umar, Thank you Abang for your love, Thank you Anis, Thank you Mak, Thank you Ayah. THANK YOU.

the story begins at 9am in the morning, when a ‘considerate’ relative called up my mother and asked whether or not ‘makcik’ [i.e, my mother] going to be at home. my mother said yes, and she prepared all the stuff for the coming guest, at around 9am.. you know what time they showed up? 4 something friggin PM..

in case you’re wondering, who the heck this relative is, she is just one of my father’s many niece [i lost count]. she is younger than my mother [well, duh!] and significantly lower in the family food-chain of putting that much importance on her coming.

bloody hell, what the fcuk is that? who the fcuk does that? [well, uh, apparently, one of my kin lah] you just don’t do that. at least have the sense to say, "kami bukan nak datang sekarang, just checking makcik ke mana2 tak.. mungkin petang kami datang.." considerate sangat lah tu kononnya telefon mak aku pagi2 buta kata nak datang beraya!

nak datang raya, datang aje lah. ko datang jauh2 pun, too bad lah if we’re not around. nak cakap macam mana? takkanlah kitorang nak duduk depan pintu menungga-nangga orang datang? have we no life? you’re the only one yang pandai beraya?

sedarlah, when you make that call, when you say you’re gonna show up, people expect you to show up. and in the spirit of the season, we actually want to celebrate you showing up. but when you pull shit like this, then macam mana? are we supposed to just senyum and buat bodoh ke? sorry, you are the bodoh one, not us.

and for cryin out loud, people, tell your friggin kids not to treat other people’s home like their own. "owh, anak i memang macam ni, suka ambik2 barang.. suka larik2.." i feel like slapping the damned kid and say "owh, i memang macam ni dengan budak2 tak makan saman, i sepak2kan aje.."

and oh yeah, selamat hari raya.

i wanna write something.. anything.. i really do, but i dunno.. i guess it’s just sad that i have to write something because i have to.. not because i want to.. and that, my friend, is sadder than when i was stuck writing day and day out, in my version of an underground spider hole ..

a lot has change since that spider hole.. i have a brigher hole now.. and sometimes, i get to work in a another hole altogether.. and i get to play songs, i played mika’s grace kelly everytime it’s my shift and i sing a long, i could be brown, i could be blue, i could be vi-o-let skyy.. and i get to ramble.. took me about a month to gain enough confidence to ramble on my own, with no completely structured script.. oh, the script’s there, of course, it’s just that, now, i am a little bit freer with what i say.. [no more hanger sticking out of my shirt or anything..]

this person is actually happy.. i was sad to admit that i was on the verge of another bout of depression not too long back.. was sad because i kinda liked the people there, but i dunno.. work is okay, but when the bad days outnumbered the good ones.. then your energy starts to sap away.. but hey, that’s okay, innit? i mean, that’s just a stumble.. a tiny pebble i happen to trip over [yet luckily not falling flat on my face..] and i move on.. i always move on..

it’s a few more days to raya.. and i’ve noticed something.. i realised that raya makes me one of those people who don’t know what they’ve got til it’s gone.. a few years back, we raya’ed without abg ikram and his family.. sob, sob.. although, the boys are home now, and make one heck of a noise, so i get to raya with them this year.. but, munirah is not here pulak.. sob, sob.. another year [and a few more after that] of raya tak cukup korum.. kesian kak ngah..

i maybe a bit lost about a few years back.. when i went through my phase of i-am-invincible-cos-i-can-take-care-of-myself.. i didn’t get it when i was supposed to, i.e., somewhere in the muddled mid-teens years [or maybe i had it then, i was just in denial].. but now, to borrow from amazing grace, i am found.. i am found in the most natural place to be found.. i am found at home [sad case of lost and found, i must have been dropped on the head when i was a kid].. i may have gotten myself into a LOT of mess back then, but now, now life is back on track.. all i have to do is to work hard to make sure it stays on track, insyaAllah..

so, people, if you are reading this, treat this as my raya carol.. a haunting or ghosts of my raya past, raya present as well my raya future.. life with its LOTS of ups and downs, highs and lows, loves and hates, and most importantly, life with its LOTS of HOPE..

selamat hari raya.. maaf zahir dan batin.. and to that one person in oireland, take good care.. and know at least one of us is thinking about you, praying hard for you and missing you [and know that that one of us is comprised a LOT OF ONE OF US'ES, so you're in great hands, kiddo.. you'll be in Allah's hand, insyaAllah..]

no, actually, i wrote a lot these past six months, they’re just  scattered here, there, everywhere in the virtual landscape i have embraced, just that they’re not here. yes, i am now a paid writer. my fate (and monthly salary) lies in the hands of words and sentences, commas and periods, prefixes and suffixes and the likes.

i suffer for this passion. now i remember why i didn’t wanna do journalism or advertising in the first place. they’re very draining. sure, i get the practice and i get the exposure. god knows i need them, but doesn’t mask the fact that i am somewhat sick of them.

i look at words and sentences on a daily basis, not because and when i want to, but because i have to. lucky this is something i like doing, but i have my bad days, you know?

so when that happens, i escape. i travel in my head, to an alternate reality, a reality where kuchiki byakuya is falling for his new fukutaichou (kisuke kazahana, kudos to whoever managed to figure out who she is related to, it doesn’t take that much thinking, i promise). or another dimension where dean winchester is falling for this mysterious, dark haired paranormal researcher/writer.

gawsh, but you know what all these alternate realities and other dimensions made me realize? it made me realize that, even when i want to escape and run away from it all, i seem to run back to writing anyways. like this is something i have to do, for both pleasure and pain. writing is something i do for a living and relaxation.

and that’s not so bad now, is it?

of course, i do.. but one of the thing i hate the most at the moment is people who think that the whole world is against them.. "i am all alone against the big bad scawie woild, and nobody’s on my side.." BOO HOO!! go kill yourself, you’re of no use to humanity.. and you’re certainly of no use to me!

yes, as mentioned before, i am a bitch, fo shizzle dizzle whatever.. you are never alone unless you want to be.. the whole world is what you make of it and making a stupid mistake to let the world shape you is idiocy on your part, please do not bother the rest of the human race, you jerk! nobody is your friend? have YOU tried being somebody’s friend?? nobody’s there to help you? uh hullo? have YOU tried to help others?

please, stop wallowing in self pity, unless you wanna drown yourself.. stop being in the pessimistic, defeatist frame of mind.. please, for the love of God, GROW friggin UP!

btw, sorry to those whose messages i have not replied and read this blog and going, "how could she write this and not reply me??".. i will reply.. gimme time.. finals took its toll on me.. and i didnt wanna cram stuff in between my revising and homework late nites mugging.. i love writing hard and long about non-sensical stuff.. wait ho..

there was no electricity last nite.. spent some of the nite reading by the candle.. parts of it borakking with abg.. parts of it thinking.. yes, i do think.. and i have come to a decision.. i will officially stop caring.. i have been caring for the past few years.. heck, all thruout my life actually, that now, i have come to a point where i should stop. maybe this way, i can actually start to focus on my own well-being.

apart from abg.. anis.. mak, ayah n my closest family (closest in the sense of relations, not necessarily related by blood) plus a few select individuals who have at least remained a friend (to a self-confessed crummy friend) of yours truly, my studies and most importantly, my happiness and sanity, i will stop caring for everything else in the world..

tough, innit..? not really.. because i have faith in me.. cruel? perhaps, not that too many care in the first place, and i will join their ranks, yippee!! 3 months.. that is all.. 3 friggin months.. then i can either leave Malaysia or just stay at home where all is safe and quiet..

all of sudden i feel so mellow today.. some old stuff were creeping out into the open and i am just to exhausted to keep it bottled up anymore.. where oh where did it go wrong? i am not one to keep being friends with an ex-flame.. but we were never ‘anything’, never an ‘item’ to friggin begin with..? will deleting me from his life erase the memory..?

this is not me second guessing my decision, my choice made years back.. i am never happier than the times i spent with abang.. he is indeed my better half.. there’s up and there’s down, but there is always love.

a terrific friend is now a terrible past.. just magnifies the fact that i suck at friendship.. it will almost always sink, no matter what.. maybe i am doomed to have fair-weather friends and no friends for a shoulder to cry on. i am not complaining, i am just wondering why..? and the fact that will it be fair to abg if i were to cry and cry and cry my heart out on his shoulder alone?

blargh!! aku hidup dalam blur!!

ok.. we went to Genting.. yayy.. big hurray.. but came down with a monster headache.. must be the altitude.. poor abg came down with the whole package.. headache.. flu.. cough.. poor baby.. he had to go to work today.. biasalah, rindu sangat ngan chin apek kaki simen sebab kena langgar forklift tu that he just has to go to work.. basically to see how much damage that was done by the said apek.. haha, and i think I was the one with control issues..

that being said.. i’ve been organizing like mad for the shoot (and yet, here i am typing a blog entry.. haha) and personally, i see the whole thing falling into places.. i am trying to minimize outside risks but as for the internal risks.. well.. those are looming, i am sure.. i’ll just deal with those when we get there..

for the time being, i am still in my vacation/holiday mode.. kinda hard to shake it off but have to anyways.. ave to arrange for a meeting with the rest of the OCs.. haha, wish the rest can see us now.. sweet success is finally within our reach.. hope everything works out for the best.. but at the same time, i am prepared for the very worst..

awh brother.. here we go again.. for the umpteenth time, nunui had to remind me who Zarina is.. btw, she is dzri’s latest lady love, cucu sedara tun dr. m n ada tertempias sikit dgn kerabat kedah (termasuklah tengku zawyah, ex-wife DK n kudin, current hubby of paula malai ali).. [noi, puaslah hati ko aku dah ingat semua ni ha? puas sangat? puas? PUAS? ko dah bayar bil air kat PUAS?)

why oh why is all of this relevant? because somehow, along the way, i’ve become more n more blur.. i seem to forget things faster than a friggin speedin bullet.. which earned me a new nick name, which i’m beginning to love : HALF-WIT NIT-WIT DIM-WIT.. dzri laughed tak hengat when nunui explained the name.. yeah yeah yeah, whatever.. like i care.. BOLEH BLAH!

some examples of my half-wittedness.. (haha, the pleasure of writing ur own memoirs, so to speak, is the freedom to censor anything deemed necessary to prevent future embarrasment) errr.. there was this one time, i mistook Nora as Diana.. but, BUT in my defense, i was new to the class, still getting to know the people plus the fact that their real names sounds alike.. but then again, HAHA, ye lah ye lah, aku blur..

but anyways, that isn’t important laa.. what’s more important is that the said landslide plaguing me before has now been lifted (cue "dringgg" *harp music*).. there will probably be more landslides in the very near future.. but for now, i am so free that i don’t really know what to do.. haha.. mid-terms are of course looming.. deadlines for TV Directing is so friggin near that i can smell its breath and all this of course brings me nearer to the finals.. tsskk..

by the way.. at least for the time being, my mantra will be "COMPLICATE THINGS WE MUST NOT!!" you gotta say it kinda like Yoda.. i don’t want to sweat the small stuff if i can.. it is my approach to handle the also afore-mentioned control issue plaguing my cluttered life.. apart from the tiny little small stuff that may directly have effect on the drama (okay, i typed MY DRAMA earlier actually, PRIDE has always been my sin) i promise, from now onwards to try and be more open to the capabilities of others.. true, all of them suck big time (haha, memang aku je yg best.. jgn jaki) but hey, pitted against me, even all 5 Apprentice winners will lose their breaths..

aite.. til later.. au revoir..